Author Visit!! Homework 10.5.16

Date: 10th May 2016 @ 4:42pm

Well year 5 we didn't think it was possible...but... we now love reading EVEN more!

Today we were very lucky to see the amazing Curtis Jobling who not only showed us some of his famous animation (like Bob the Builder), but read some of his brand new book-Max Helsing: Monser Hunter- to us! 

For your homework, I woud like you to create a short suspense story. You can submit your story here so that we can tweet them through to Curtis to show him our fabulous work! However, remember, if I think your story is to scary for our school website, I might not be able to post them on our blog!

If you can include your own steps to success before hand (to show what you can remember from our suspense unit) I will be very impressed!

 

 

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Jasmine and Macy wrote:

Steps to success:

Ellipsis
Relative Claus
Colon for expansion:and semi colon;
Punctuation for parentheses , () -
Unanswered questions
Mind blowing description
similes

Jasmine and Macy wrote:

Something was lurking about in my wardrobe...
It was colourful (but scary.)

As I covered half my face with my silky blanket,I shivered with fear. My hands where where throbbing with fright:blisters as red as fire,rapidly grew on my hand.

It lingered. It leaped.gradually, the wardrobe doors opened...
Was it my brother or my monster ;who waiting impatiently for me to open my wardrobe doors? Even though is was really hot, I hid my head under my quilt as fast as a leopard.

To be continued...

Millie-Jo wrote:

You have good description but you forgot your capital letter for gradually

Faith wrote:

PINK~ You have wrote where twice

GREEN~Amazing use of vocabulary

Skyla H wrote:

That's really good I love it💓

Miss Smith wrote:

Green- You have worked hard to include grammar targets. Effective use of ellipses.

Pink-Do we need punctuation before a relative pronoun if it it is not an embedded relative clause?

Macy wrote:

Steps to success:
Ellipsis
Relative clause
Colon for expansion and semi-colon
Punctuation for parenthesis -- ,, ()
Unanswered questions
Mind blowing description
Smiles

Something was lurking about in my wardrobe...It was colourful (but scary.) As I coed half my face with my silky blanket,I shivers in fear.My hand were throbbing with fright:blisters as red as fire rapidly covers my hand.

It lingerd.It leaped.Gradually,the wardrobes opened...was it a monster or was it my brother (Lucas);who was waiting inpatiently for me to open my wardrobe doors?Eventhough I was really hot,I hid my head under my quilt as fast as a leopard.

To be countinued...

Shelby K wrote:

"Dracula! Dracula! Dracula!" Taunted everyone " Big teeth! Big teeth! Big teeth!" Alright let's get this straight, I don't have big teeth, well... I guess I do... But it's not my fault, alright! Before we get to personal about this... I'm Vincent Drac, NO not Dracula, Drac I live at 666 devil drive ( Get this straight I have a cemetery next door.SO, get over it it's not like I'm a zombie or or anything like that!)

It started out as just an ordinary birthday (or so I thought) my mum bought me some presents, nobody noticed it was my birthday, just like every other year,until the sun drowned in darkness. That night as I was getting into bed, I felt a sudden urge to get revenge on those who once taunted me, it was like something was controlling my mind!

As I was just nodding off, something forced me to leap out of bed, like a rocket setting off, I'm not sure why, but as I stood up there came a faint voice from the graveyard. "Vviinncceenntt, Vviinncceenntt" I'm not the guy who just leaves a mystery, I am and always have been curious, so I just had to find out what it was..

Once I had found the front door, though the maze of pitch black hallways, I almost turned back! "NO" I yelled forcing myself though the front door. Outside,the streets felt alive with spirits, the silence was shattered by the faint voice again." Do you want to know your dad?? Do you want to know why your dad left you?? Do you want to know who you are?..." Of course it took me ages to decide NOT! Of course I would want to know everything.As soon as I entered the cemetery, I immediately wanted to turn around , but I new that this was meant to be - to find out who I truly am, once and fore all...

Shelby K wrote:

I have changed the commas this is what I have got know:

Spooky story:

"Dracula! Dracula! Dracula!" Taunted everyone " Big teeth! Big teeth! Big teeth!" Alright let's get this straight, I don't have big teeth, well... I guess I do... But it's not my fault, alright! Before we get to personal about this... I'm Vincent Drac, NO not Dracula, Drac I live at 666 devil drive ( Get this straight I have a cemetery next door.SO, get over it it's not like I'm a zombie or or anything like that!)

It started out as just an ordinary birthday (or so I thought) my mum bought me some presents: nobody noticed it was my birthday; just like every other year until the sun drowned in darkness. That night as I was getting into bed, I felt a sudden urge to get revenge on those who once taunted me, it was like something was controlling my mind!

As I was just nodding off, something forced me to leap out of bed, like a rocket setting off, I'm not sure why, but as I stood up there came a faint voice from the graveyard. "Vviinncceenntt, Vviinncceenntt" I'm not the guy who just leaves a mystery, I am and always have been curious, so I just had to find out what it was..

Once I had found the front door, though the maze of pitch black hallways, I almost turned back! "NO" I yelled forcing myself though the front door. Outside,the streets felt alive with spirits, the silence was shattered by the faint voice again." Do you want to know your dad?? Do you want to know why your dad left you?? Do you want to know who you are?..." Of course it took me ages to decide NOT! Of course I would want to know everything.As soon as I entered the cemetery, I immediately wanted to turn around , but I new that this was meant to be - to find out who I truly am, once and fore all...

To be continued...

Shelby k wrote:

This spooky story is called Who's my daddy? And I'm working on a part 2.

Skyla H wrote:

Hahaha who's ur daddy that's a game but I like the idea 😋

Miss Smith wrote:

Green-Your editing and improving has made a huge difference: your varied punctuation now enhances the meaning of the story. Also, your use of colloquial language has created a wonderful character voice--I felt like I was reading an already published book! Move up

Pink-There is just one last comma-splice left now. I wonder if you can find it?

Shelby K wrote:

Here's my part 2:

Previously on "Who's My Daddy":Vincent gets bullied at school (again); there is a weird voice coming from the graveyard next door; he goes to investigate and what he sees can not be explained...

" Vincent, oh Vincent where are you???" Came the daunting voice for the 4th time, " Vincent don't be afraid, I'm not going to hurt you! Oh Vincent..." This time something seemed to be getting closer. Closer. Closer to me. My adrenalin rushed like it had never rushed before, the choking calls became louder, and louder, and louder... Then it happened! A foot came round the corner, then a leg, then the body and then eventually the face! "BOO! Haha scared you!" My brother crackled mischievously not knowing the danger we were both in. " Franklin! What are you doing out here? You know your not allowed out here after the sun has been sucked of its light. Wait, why am I speaking like this?" I questioned myself. "AAAHHHHHHH!" Screamed Franklin legging it down the road, back inside, locking the door behind him. Suddenly I realised why he ran away... I had grown fangs and a vampire stood behind me!

His fangs were full of fresh blood: they gleamed in the moon-light like a diamond chandelier hanging from the moon-lit stars. The daunting sniggering was like a time bomb waiting to explode: his interrogating eyes barely light up the night sky, almost like a lantern fading away. Although I felt brave outside, I was begging my legs to let me run away, on the inside.

As the vampire approached me, I made an instant dash towards a tree. Realising that I wouldn't make it, I closed my eyes and desperately wished I was up there sat in the acacia tree. Boom. Crash. Bang. Suddenly, I realised that I had FLOWN into the branches of the acacia and that the vampire was sat beside me! He murmured, " do not be afraid, you wanted to know your dad... Then here I am." I couldn't believe what my senses were hearing/seeing; firstly I'm seeing a vampire and now I'm speaking to a one. How could this get any weirder? I questioned myself until I got an answer...

To be continued in who's your daddy mines a ??????????

Harry wrote:

The crooked house mill

Brother and sister Greg and Michelle, and their parents John and Louise, were very excited because they were moving house. They were very busy because they were packing so they didn't have much time to say bye to their friends. Their new home would be an old mill building in a village called Bay Sands where anything can happen, and I mean anything can happen.

After a few hours of driving, they made it to their new house. They got a little nervous when they noticed the letter box and the sign on it which it said enter at own risk.

They parked in the car park of the mill. As they pulled in next to the mill, they heard a big bang then... silence.

Quietly, Greg whispered to Michelle “That is very strange and it is coming from where we are going to be living.”

Louise and Michelle were very scared so they didn't want to go inside and said they wanted to go back to their old home.

On the other hand John and Greg (the men of the family) were brave enough to go into the mill. They persuaded the women to go with them inside and promised to look after them as they were worried they would never get over their fear of going into their new house.

They opened the door and then ... it was the bang again. Their fear stopped their once racing minds and their once beating hearts.

As they moved the door it creaked loudly until it closed with a massive thump. Louise and Michelle nearly jumped to the roof of the room and out of their skin.

CRACK!!!!! Went something above them.

Louise and Michelle regretted their decision to come in this horrid place. They kept groaning until they heard the crack again. Then... it fell silent.

Michelle’s heart pounded. Her legs shook.

John asked the girls “Are you going up there with us and discover what the banging noises are?”
Louise answered “No way we’re going up there - you are lucky that we are still here instead of exploring the town.”

As the boys started up the stairs, they kept hearing creaks coming from somewhere upstairs.

Firstly, they looked in the bathroom and it was covered in toilet paper. They heard a squeal coming from another room and went to look. That room was the main bedroom which had all of the duvet and bed covers all over the place.

Then...they heard a scream and a voice which sounded like Michelle’s say “We are going sitting in the car.”

They heard the door slam with a thump.

They explored the next room - one of the single bedrooms. John mentioned it was the bigger one and Greg claimed it to as his – even though it had things all over the floor.

CRANK...Went something in the room they hadn't yet explored. Quickly, they headed to that room.

Finally, they discovered the source of all the noises – from banging windows to creaking doors - the window in this last room was wide open and the wind blowing through was moving things around.

Having discovered the cause they went to tell the girls that it was only the wind through an open window and nothing to be scared of.

Emmy wrote:

WOW! Harry that blew my mind

Jazz 😜 wrote:

Oh my gosh Harry!
I couldn't do better and I love the idea of moving house!

Skyla H 😊 wrote:

HARRY that scared the life out of me I almost fell off my bed hahahaha that blew my mind do u like mine

Miss Smith wrote:

Green- Wow! It is evident that you have edited and improved your work. Great use of the dash both for parenthesis and to separate independent clauses.

Pink- I wonder if you can add some more description, using interesting expanded noun phrases.

Millie-Jo wrote:

There we were waiting for the hideous figure to go, but it didn't his flashlight shone in my eyes almost blinding me from the terrifying sight. I was thinking about how I got into this ridiculously stupid mess in the first place.Then it came to me, I was sent to the chippy with strict orders from my sister to bring curry sauce on the chips and in a tub.When I passed by a old abanded house that no one has been pass since the 16th century's,and I saw something quite unusual threw the shattered window.It was a figure, a small figure a figure with hair that's it the figure was a girl a little girl.I looked clearer and she looked like she was miming the word "HELP".
I thought to my self what should I do.

TO BE CONTINUED.....

Miss Smith wrote:

Green- Wonderful structure! You have started in the middle of the action to grab the reader's attention and have included a flashback!

Pink- O-O Take another look. Some of your sentences don't quite makes sense.

Harrison wrote: wrote:

Something was dragging its feet up the stairs...

As I his behind the see threw glass door,something was making noises like Oooooo and Booooo.When the creature walked into the room,I tried not to move or breath!When it stopped walking,I said who are you?Lightning struck wind howled,my torch hit the dusty ground and I couldn't see nothing!As I tried to reach the light,the curtain blew open and the moonlight shon onto the mysterious figure.A zombie...RUN!When I was bouncing down the stairs,I seen two ways to get out of the mansion one said (to escape go that way,and the other one said if you want to die go that way.)So I swapped them around and the zombie ended up going the wrong way ha finally.When I got out of the mansion,I seen some builders and I told them to knock it down.(The next day,)I ran to the mansion and it was gone,but as I edged further,I found some zombie footprints but then I seen a face staring strait at me through a cottage window but then...

To be continued!

Miss Smith wrote:

Green- I was hooked at the first sentence! Great pronoun opening.

Pink 0-0 Take another look for tense and punctuation.

Weronika W wrote:

The strange red creatrue...

Awake, petrified,worried I hardly didn't remeber anything but I remeber this for sure.Running after my friends we entered the dark misty forest where we later got lost and fell into a whole lying there fainted.So I will retell you the story from the beginning.

We felt scared and not alone.As we walked across the forest floor the rotten leaves covered the ground.As we've taken the step I wasn't quiet sure if someone was here with us trying to threaten us because the old leaves made a crunchy sound and they were all over the intieer place.Entirely unsure my freind heared a great loud whistle and so did I.

Thinking, something was above,surrounding us and my friends were scared to look up.As I felt with my friends a weeping spirit glide through our freezing,ice-block skin's .There was a threating deep whisper in a distance ahead or was I dreaming?

Being brave,as a littel bird going to check if it will fly or die.Above the trees:as branches crashed against each other cob-webs dangling down and flys were caught harmless very indeed hurt that was there life cycle and has to happen anyway they are kind of blind to so not to worry I guess?

As we raced-like a scaredy cat-we ran into a tree.As we remeber that this place got set on fire on that day when there was thunder and lightning crashed that was the day when forest set on fire! A minute later, I went out crying sat on the grass upset I made a puddle of tears.

Suddenly,I stopped crying and that's where I saw the red creature the frist time -which was as red as a volcano - which has freshly erupted.Calling my friends exciting we rushed after it togeter and got lost and by running not carefully we fell into a hole lying on the ground fainted as if we were dead for centuries.

When we awoke, if I were the red creaturel I would run for it now because I will kill him with anger!Appearing from the shadows it was that red dreadful creature again. Taking a closer look at it turned out to be devil!Not knowing what it was going to do,we waited impatient.

Suddenly when lightning crashed the devil spoke in our langue apparently it said it wanted to help but he fell in here and as we asked what is this place. He told us that not far away is his village and this is where they basically bring bad devils like it would be prison but a lot worse then that they get eaten dreadfully.

Thank goodlessly there was a way to escape and he knew where it was.We had to squeeze through a tiny,teeny hole which was quiet hard espeialy for us but we had escaped in time.

Making friendship with our enemy it agreed to be our pet to remind us of our parents ,who unfortunately died and we lived happly until there was a crash,bang as if it was a skeleton knocking at the door looking through the window I saw a boney creature I wonder what to do...

TO BE CONTINUED.

Shelby K wrote:

WOW! Weronika this blew my mind. I nearly fell off the edge of my seat reading this!

Skyla H wrote:

Weronika that's really good I like the scaryness in it well-done 😈

Miss Smith wrote:

Green- I love your verb opener. I was on the edge of my seat straight away! Some really descriptive and interesting expanded noun phrases.

Pink- Read your work again out loud to yourself. Are there any bits that don't sound quite right and need to be edited?

isabella m wrote:

In the deep dark woods, the blue moon appeared behind me Max Helsing. I had a song in my head and it went something like this, running, running, running, but this was all I had, no more.
My eyes went fuzzy and I saw a strange man coming towards me. I also heard whispers. Was it the man or was it the trees...I had chills down my spine but it wasn't that cold. My hands felt heavy like a magnet that was pulling me to the man. My feet were dragging me towards him.
Suddenly I heard the squeak of mouse. It was a pet mouse. Suddenly my eyes became clear and there I was face to face with it. It didn't look like a pet mouse it looked like a wolf mouse!

Miss Smith wrote:

Green- Wow Isabella some wonderful figurative language! I love your similie to describe Max's hands. Great short sentences for effect

Pink- I wonder if you could edit and improve a sentence to include a relative pronoun?

Emmy wrote:

As I was tossing and turning to the sound of thunder I woke up to the death of my pet spider. That day everything turned haunted and my mum was acting extremely suspicious!!! As I set off to school it was very dark and nothing could be seen or heard. It was that day when I planned to wear a black hoody and I decided to hide behind a dull, dingy corner all alone. Suddenly a girl dressed in white appeared before me, as I tried to camouflage myself into the dark she scuttled closer......and closer.....,,closer.

She was holding a candle in her right hand which gave me a scary flash back of how my spider died. I could see the reflection above it hovering about moving closer and closer towards me. who was it.......what if she kills me.....what if she kidnaps me what if there is no what ifs. It got darker: she got closer; the spider got bigger; it all happened again.

Miss Smith wrote:

Green: A much better effort Emmy! I can see you have though very carefully about the vocabulary that you want to use.

Pink- Can you find where a question mark is missing?

James wrote:

Steps to success:

Colon for expansion, complex sentences, relative clauses, punctuation for parenthesis, ellipsis, similes, rhetorical questions.

Something had been hear: there were scratches on the walls and silhouettes floating down the staircase. Hands shook. What ever it was it was scary and enigmatic. I thought to myself how did I of all people get into this mess? Although I had shivers going down my spine, I had to go upstairs...

As I walked up the ancient, rickety stairs- slowly and frightened- I heard the sound of a door falling of rusty hinges. I turned to the left swiftly, there was nothing but I was sure there was. So like cheetah I turned: nothing on the right. The room to the right, which gave me the chills, had weird noises coming from it...

Miss Smith wrote:

Green:Every single one of your steps to success!! Well done James!

Pink: Can you spot an incorrect homophone?

Faith wrote:

Zombies, werewolves, vampires - you name it I love it. I wasn't like a normal 12 year old girl, I loved blood guts and gore. My so called 'friends' gave me mean names like Zombie Zoe, Goth Girl and worst of all PINKY which was a false accusation, because there is visibly no other colour tan black on me! I got bullied for being different because people didn't like me for who I was! It made me feel like a fish in a glass and people were tapping and tapping and tapping till the glass shattered! all my anger raged like a bull looking at the reddest flag, but on my 13 birthday - everything changed!
I woke up as usual, got washed dressed and did my hair just like normal, but today didn't feel like a normal Saturday morning. I went down stairs, with a strange feeling hanging on my shoulders, I opened the kitchen door and 'SURPRISE'! My heart skipped a beat as I slowly stepped in. All my friends and family had gathered in a small kitchen at 7 in the morning. this was not a normal morning - at all. As the day started to pass I felt like something was haunting me and as the sun started to set, a sudden thirst grew in my throat. I must have drunk more than a litre of water, but it wouldn't douse my thirst. Looking like a pale ghost I took a walk into the wood's, to an abandoned fair ground where I hung out. My lost soul climbed up and sat at the top of the big wheel trying to gather my thoughts, when all of a sudden it started to creak! the rusty hinges wobbled, and the wind started to howl as it grew the old frame started to rock more and more a storm was brewing and I was in the middle of it!
CREAK! then suddenly, I felt myself furiously falling towards the ground. the once tiny benches grew larger as I fell closer to my end! I thought something was lurking in the bushes watching me fall, the hedge rustled and out popped a rabbit I let out a huge scream as if there was no tomorrow. But the weird thing was, that was the first time I had screamed and I was falling in a massive wheel to the ground.
BOOM! I had finally hit the ground the noise echoed into my ears but within a few minutes I had pounced back to my feet and started walking back out of the woods. When I looked in a puddle and saw that I was a ............

Please remember that the above has not happened and never will happen....But it might!!!

Miss Smith wrote:

Green- Brilliant character voice Faith! I was on the edge of my seat throughout! Improved use of the dash.

Pink 0-0 Take another look- particularly for CL.

Kian wrote wrote:

On a daunting Winters night wolves howled and branches snapped as me and Callum walked through the desolate forest! Searching for the once known tattered football ,which was used to be a actually alive well that was a well known tale,because I didnt believe it. Could it be a football could it be the one no we both didn't believe it when I turned there was anougther ball it looked the eggsact same ball...

We stopped it bounced by its self nobody was there to bounce it. Nobody was theret o hear it.Nobody was there to se it the a face came on the ball and it give a big grin it grew legs and arms even a body me and Callum couldn't believe what we was seeing it was monstrous! It lit up inside like a pumpkin it was like 1000 fireflies in a huge sworn

Miss Smith wrote:

Green- I can tell that you have begun to enjoy writing now Kian! You have made rocket-speed progress since you have found out how amazing it is!

I love the idea of the football coming to life and the wonderful figurative language to describe it!

Pink-Read out loud and see if you can spot any missing punctuation

Kian wrote wrote:

Part 2 I had to but the fire out we was near a lake we jumped in and it jumped after us.

The fire got put out and it sunk we was wet to the bottom to the top we went to school and told everyone about it the didn't believe a word

Joe S wrote:

My steps to Success:
-Colon to add on information;
-Semi-colon/dash to separate independent clauses;
-Punctuation for parenthesis;
-Relative clauses;
-Complex sentences

My Paragraph:

Something was lurking around the house. It was stalking me. Sweat was pouring from every part of my battered and bruised body. Pain was raging through me causing me to mace up ideas that were just silly. A torch suddenly stabbed me putting a horrid picture so grotesque that it made me jump out... The chase was on! It followed every move I made until I hatched a ingenious plan. My plan was put into action when I dived into the forest with fear. My feet made it look like I went one way, when I went another. My breathing came in big waves: my heart-which was going to explode- was letting go of life.

TO BE CONTINUED......

Cade k wrote:

That's well good joe you have commas adverb and bunch more stuff

Cade k wrote:

That's well good joe you have commas adverb and bunch more stuff

Miss Smith wrote:

Green-I absolutely love everything about your last sentence. The varied punctuation, the relative clause and the figurative (and carefully selected) language.

Pink- Check your punctuation Joe.

Pink-

Leah wrote:

Fair ground...

The sun was setting on a Friday evening and the golden haired Tamzin and blue eyed Jay when eating popcorn while watching wereworld. Suddenly, Tamzin herd a scream coming from the woods behind her house. "Did you hear that...Jay?" she asked. "Hear what?" Jay replied. "That scream...coming from the woods."
"Oh that, probably just lunatic trying to scare someone," she said trying not to look bothered. " I want to check it out, you coming." Tamzin asked. "If we have too" So the two girls put on the dressing gowns and set of to the woods.

As the girls reached the middle of the woods(Tamzin in front and Jay behind) Tamzin said "we can go ba" but then she stopped... Jay was not there so Tamzin ran to find her. She got to a fork in the woods but when she carried on running the ronge way and someone came up behind her and knocked her out.

When she woke she found that she was in a rotting Fair ground. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her friend trapped in a dogma cart but her friend was not alive. Out of the shadows, Tamzin herd someone-or something-say" you'll be next, HAHAHA!"

to be continued...

Miss Smith wrote:

Green- Punctuation for parenthesis and fronted adverbials

PInk- 0-0 at your first sentence

Skyla H wrote:

Who was at my bedroom door..

As I hid under my bed covers I hear BOOM!!! behind my door shivering and shaking I got out of bed I went slowly to the door,when I got to it there were music playing it went like this,

Skyla H wrote:

Who was behind my bedroom door...

As I hid behind my covers I heared a boom!!! Sweeting and shaking i went to the door slowly.When I got there the booming stop...and instead music played it went like this ringer ringer rose pockets full of scary behind the door lies a week of saw...shivers went up my spine was it my brother, was it my mom? Who ever it was it was none of them, then who was it then...

TO BE CONTINUE!!!

Miss Smith wrote:

Green- Great opening sentence.

Pink- commas after subordinate clauses at the start of a sentence. I would like to see you producing more Skyla.

Harry wrote:

Great use of ellipses and a very good opening

Emily wrote: wrote:

Steps to success:

Mind blowing description
relative clauses
unanswered questions
similes
colons and semi colons
punctuation for parentheses,- ()
hyphon -
adverbs how, where, when
building suspense

Someone (or something) was lurking in the old mill...That me and Shane had found only a few weeks ago.The old mill sounded as if it was haunted : the floor of the up stairs room started to make a creaking sound and then a crumbling sound took over and there was not the slightest sound except for the sound of rotting wood starting to collapse.Suddenly, it started raining wooden planks and as strange as it sounds the planks were slightly green, red and yellow. Gradually, the wooden rain came to an end and I knew who was here with me along it was Shane, who was stuffing chocolate into his mouth, turned around and looked at me in surprise.

After an hour of chatting Shane told me that according to an old legend the hole mill is haunted.I burst out laughing after he had finished speaking and once I had done laughing I thought to my-self it could not be a haunted mill there is no such thing or is there?...

After another hour of chatting we heard the most scary sound we had ever heard in are hole lives.Out of nowhere a shadow appeared, it cascaded round the bare but light room that is now curved in darkness.Suddenly, the creature jumped out from behind the mountain of rotten planks and it was a little fury black cat.

To be continued...

Miss Smith wrote:

Green- I was hooked! Wonderful use of punctuation for parenthesis to add suspense.

Pink- commas after fronted adverbials.

Charlotte wrote:

Steps to success:

Complex sentences
Punctuation for parenthesis
Relative clauses
Similes
Ellipsis
Short sentences for effect
Colon for expansion

A thud, a sudden shudder; then nothing! That was all except for the blood that was dripping off my hands. It was quieter than a pin being dropped. We were on our way to the graveyard, when we came to a sudden stop. Somehow, I was wedged between the seat and the steering wheel. My legs felt numb.
"We need help!" Eleanor explained.
" I'm wedged in between the seats. I can't move!" I replied.
" We need help though. You stay in the car, and I'll go to the police station!" Eleanor screeched.
" I doubt they'll believe us! Would you believe someone if they ran up to you, and told you that a mysterious presence had attacked them?" As these words spilled out of my mouth, I realised that I was alone...!

I couldn't help but let out a piercing scream: it echoed around the desolate woods. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed it in the distance. It was coming closer! My heart thumped like a bullet being shot. Lighting bolts shot out of the clouded sky in every direction! I started to wriggle in my seat, trying to get my leg out. Sweat ran down my face like cascading waterfalls. Cautiously, I stepped out of the car; looked around me; then walked over to a large oak. Wisps of fog wrapped around me like a blanket. I saw it again! Even though it was coming closer to me, I didn't dare to move. But that's when I heard it; a piercing scream from behind me! I recognised it though. It was Eleanor!

I could feel misanthropic ice freeze my once beating heart, and my throat - sandy - was eaten by fear! Clambering up a deserted tree, which resembled my tattered and broken past, I watched the enigmatic figure coming closer and closer. I tried to get a closer look...

Miss Smith wrote:

Green- I felt like I was sat reading a published book! As always, your re-drafting, editing and improving is clear. I love the verb "spilled" to describe speaking- I think I'll magpie that.

Pink- remember if the subordinating conjunction is in the middle of the sentence, then there is no need for a comma before.

Ella wrote:

It was a dark and stormy night I had gone out to get some shoping it was dark and sercy but I loved it. It was the full moon and it was glowing on me. All of a sudden I herd something. Being the curious person I am I went to see what it was. BANG!!!!!!! I herd somthing loud. I knew what it was it was the lighting or was it... As fast as the flash of lighting a berm of light was coming towards me. In one seconded things became different.

My hair Turned as Black as soot. My lips whrere now blood red. I now had white pale skin. Most of all I had rasor sharp teeth. I was now a vampire. I texted my mum to say I was staying at my friens but realy I was out in the wiled.

Up ahead where some vampire hunters. I hid somewhere so they would never find me. But they found me they started shinning torches in my face I had to find shelter

TO BE CONTUIED

Miss Smith wrote:

Green- I like the way you have used repetition for effect to explain the transition to a vampire!

Pink-I can see that you have tried really hard with your sentences here Ella, but I wonder if you can spot one more missing full stop.

Cade k wrote:

Something was lurking in the closet I didn't no what it was I was waiting for it to come out but it never did.so I waited for another day but nothing moved I was scared that it was going to get me but I was wrong when I got home from school I looked in closet but door slammed I herd a groan over me head and then it happened

To be continued.....

Miss Smith wrote:

Green- I like your ending "and then it happened".

Pink- this isn't enough work Cade--I have seen the wonders you have produced in your book this week! I want to see the same from your homework.

Adam P wrote:

I was beginning to doze off as I sat on my own at the bus stop. The horror movie marathon finished at midnight, so I had to wait another 50 minutes for the next night bus to arrive.I couldn't even keep myself entertained by playing games on my mobile, because I had stupidly left it at home as I was leaving in a hurry. I was feeling rather guilty about lying to mum and dad; I had promised to just stay at home and keep out of trouble while they were on a short business trip. Not that I was in any trouble, I thought, not unless I was spotted by a police patrol wondering what a 12 year old was doing in the street by himself, so late at night. I was surprised I wasn't even scared the slightest bit; it was a bright night and a full moon was shining.

Suddenly, I was startled by a noise coming from the bushes on the other side of the road. First rustling, and then cracking of twigs under heavy footsteps."Great! I'm about to to get mugged by some hobo living in the woods", I thought. Now I wished for a police patrol to turn up and save me. A loud growl ripped across the road. I sighed with relief as I figured it must have been a late night dog walker. Just then, a silhouette emerged from the darkness of the woods. It looked neither human nor animal.What on earth was it? Standing on two legs but slumped forward, with an enormous mane of hair and red eyes reflecting the moonlight. I gasped and my breath caught in my throat as the creature slowly lumbered towards me, panting and snarling. I froze in fear. My heart was racing and I felt sick as the beast transformed in front of me: its fingers turned into claws,its teeth became razor sharp fangs and hair grew rapidly all over its body. I knew there was no point escaping or trying to fight it ; I was about to be ripped into shreds. If only I had stayed at home, I thought with regret.

As the beast prepared to attack, I instinctively covered my face with my arms. And then I felt it grabbing my arm and tugging fiercely..."Wake up lad!", a loud voice thundered right into my ear. I quickly opened my eyes and saw a figure leaning over me. "Wake up", he repeated as he kept tugging at my arm. "It's the last bus so you better jump on if you want to get home safely", said the bus driver as I looked at him in disbelief.

Miss Smith wrote:

Green-Wow! That character description that made my hair stand on end! I like that you have included a slight back-story. Good use of punctuation.

Pink- Be careful with compound sentences.

Jack wrote:

My friend the werewolf

My name is Max, I don't know too much I don't know too little but I know one thing...Believe in horror!

It was just last term, when I had just started my second term of high school when something strange had happened... While walking home from school I was crossing the road when I was half way across the road a car suddenly appeared out of no wear and hit me right in the chest and when I was on the floor weeping the car went right through me I'm not joking. This term I was hoping that I would have a better year but I was wrong. The teachers made us stay until 11:00pm and my best mate Jamie wasn't in. I was so worried that I decided to go round to his house.

I knocked on the door. "Jamie mate!" no voice suddenly the door opened. I walked in. "Eww" there was a rotten pizza on the floor. I heard a scream come from Jamie's room... By the way there was a full moon. As I walked into his room I spotted there was something furry in his room and it was wearing a red t shirt. Just then I realised it was a werewolf! It was Jamie. I started to run but he chased me. When I pulled the door open a strong long hairy arm grabbed me on my back. I was petrified as I felt his knife like claws split my skin. I tried to escape but he was too strong. The last thing I remember was his blood shot eyes and dagger like teeth about to kill me. I was sure I was going to die. I fainted. I woke up I was in the hospitable. I saw Jamie. I thought to myself is he a were wolf or was it just a dream. Definitely the first one. To be continued...

Miss Smith wrote:

Green- I like that the teachers keep you at school until 11pm- I might try that.

Wonderful opening line. Improved use of ellipses and short sentences for effect.

Pink- Can you spot either a missing conjunction or missing punctuation in that first line to make it even better?

Oliver wrote:

BANG!BANG!BANG! I could hear it from upstairs cheese and bannana thought what it was there it was a gain what is it well cheese looked up to the roof there was blood hanging down bannana said lets go and get chief broty ( he's of jaws) he mite no what it could be.Later that evening chief broty came he looked at it. He said " I've been looking for this for 7 years" well this is your chance to discover it. At first I thought it was just a person. Well it isn't it is a megoledon ( it was the biggest shark in the world but now it is extinct)There it was a gain but this time came from the bath room. Chief broty said"we've got to call jeff the donut he can fix it we called the wrong person we called max helsing we looked in the bathtub. But we were wrong it came from the door like this screeeeeech there it was again but this time came in the house.aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

To be continued

Part two will be out soon hope you like it.

Miss Smith wrote:

Green- your independent writing gets better by the day! I like your punctuation for parenthesis.

Pink- What should all names of people start with?

Joseph wrote:

As the moon rose up over privet drive screams began to fill the desolate landscape "run faster Billy" said Jen "I'm going as fast as I can now shut up" said Billy. The moon beams shone like beams of light hitting the ground.

Contact the School

St Paul's Catholic Primary School

Miss M Flynn (Headteacher)
St Paul's Catholic Primary School
Turner Lane
Hyde
SK14 4AG, United Kingdom

Main Contact: Mrs L Clowrey (Office Manager)

Tel: 01613682934
admin@st-pauls-hyde.tameside.sch.uk